Games People Play

Antithesis
. The couple is seen together. If one—let us say the husband—is clearly playing this 
game, the other is taken into individual treatment and the player is sent on his way, on the valid 
ground that he is less ready for therapy. He can still get a divorce, but only at die expense of 
abandoning his position that he is really trying. If necessary, the wife can start the divorce, and her 
position is much improved since she really has tried. The favorable, hoped-for outcome is that the 
husband, his game broken up, will go into a state of despair and then seek treatment elsewhere with 
genuine motivation. 
In its everyday form this is easily observed in children as a two-handed game with one parent. It is 
played from either of two positions: "I am helpless" or "I am blameless." The child tries, but 
bungles or is unsuccessful. If he is Helpless, the parent has to do it for him. If he is Blameless, the 
parent has no reasonable grounds for punishing him. This reveals the elements of the game. The 
parents should find out two things: which of them taught the child this game; and what they are 
doing to perpetuate it. 
An interesting, though sometimes sinister, variant is "Look How Hard I Was Trying," which is 
usually a harder game of the second or third degree. This can be illustrated by the case of a hard-
working man with a gastric ulcer. There are many people with progressive physical disabilities who 
do the best they can to cope with the situation, and they may enlist the help of their families in a 
legitimate way. Such conditions, however, can also be exploited for ulterior purposes. 
First Degree: A man announces to his wife and friends that he has an ulcer. He also lets them know 
that he is continuing to work. This elicits their admiration. Perhaps a person with a painful and 
unpleasant condition is entitled to a certain amount of ostentation as a poor recompense for his 
suffering. He should be given due credit for not playing "Wooden Leg" instead, and deserves some 
reward for continuing to assume his responsibilities. In such a case, die courteous reply to 'Took 
How Hard I'm Trying" is, "Yes, we all admire your fortitude and conscientiousness." 
Second Degree: A man is told that he has an ulcer, but keeps it a secret from his wife and friends. 
He continues working and worrying as hard as ever, and one day he collapses on the job. When his 
wife is notified, she gets the message instantly: "Look How Hard I Was Trying." Now she is 
supposed to appreciate him as she never has before, and to feel sorry for all the mean things she has 
said and done in the past. In short, she is now supposed to love him, all previous methods of 
wooing her having failed. Unfortunately for the husband, her manifestations of affection and 
solicitude at this point are more apt to be motivated by guilt than by love. Deep down she is likely 
to be resentful because he is using unfair leverage against her, and has also taken unfair advantage 
of her by keeping his illness a secret. In short, a diamond bracelet is a much more honest instrument 
of courtship than a perforated stomach. She has the option of throwing the jewelry back at him, but 
she cannot decently walk out on the ulcer. A sudden confrontation with a serious illness is more 
likely to make her feel trapped than won over. 
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This game can often be discovered immediately after the patient first hears that he has a potentially 
progressive disability. If he is going to play it, the whole plan will very likely flash through his 
mind at that point, and can be recovered by a careful psychiatric review of the situation. What is 
recovered is the secret gloating of his Child at learning that he has such a weapon, masked by his 
Adult concern at the practical problems raised by his illness. 
Third Degree: Even more sinister and spiteful is the sudden unheralded suicide because of serious 
illness. The ulcer progresses to cancer, and one day the wife, who has never been informed that 
anything serious is amiss, walks into' the bathroom and finds her husband lying there dead. The 
note says clearly enough, "Look How Hard I Was Trying." If something like this happens twice to 
the same woman, it is time for her to find out what she has been playing. 
ANALYSIS