Games People Play

5 IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU 
Thesis
. The detailed analysis of this game has already been given in Chapter 5. It was historically 
die second game uncovered, after "Why Don't You—Yes But," which up to that point had been 
regarded merely as an interesting phenomenon. With the additional discovery of IWFY, it became 
clear that there must be a whole department of social action based on ulterior transactions. This led 
to a more active search for such goings-on, and the present collection is one outcome. 
Briefly, a woman marries a domineering man so that he will restrict her activities and thus keep her 
from getting into situations which frighten her. If this were a simple operation, she might express 
her gratitude when he performed this service for her. In the game of IWFY, however, her reaction 
is quite the opposite: she takes advantage of the situation to complain about the restrictions, which 
makes her spouse feel uneasy and gives her all sorts of advantages. This game is the internal social 
advantage. The external social advantage is the derivative pastime "If It Weren't For Him," which 
she plays with her congenial lady friends. 
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6 LOOK HOW HARD I'VE TRIED
Thesis
. In its common clinical form this is a three-handed game played by a married couple with a 
psychiatrist. The husband (usually) is bucking for a divorce, despite loud protestations to the 
contrary, while the spouse is more sincere in wanting to continue the marriage. He comes to the 
therapist under protest and talks just enough to demonstrate to the wife that he is cooperating; 
usually he plays a mild game of "Psychiatry" or "Courtroom." As time passes he exhibits either 
increasingly resentful pseudo-compliance or belligerent argumentativeness toward the therapist. At 
home he initially shows more "understanding" and restraint, and finally behaves worse than ever. 
After one, five or ten visits, depending on the skill of the therapist, he refuses to come any longer 
and goes hunting or fishing instead. The wife is then forced into filing for divorce. The husband is 
now blameless, since his wife has taken the initiative and he has demonstrated his good faith by 
going to the therapist. He is in a good position to say to any attorney, judge, friend or relative, 
"Look how hard I've tried!"