Games People Play

Antithesis
. The logical antithesis is simple: Mrs. White can fill each of her roles in succession 
during the week, but she must refuse to play two or more of them simultaneously. When she gives a 
cocktail party. For example, she can play either caterer or nursemaid, but not both. If she is merely 
suffering from Housewife's Knee, she may be able to limit herself in this way. 
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If she is actually playing a game of "Harried," however, it will be very difficult for her to adhere to 
this principle. In that case the husband is carefully chosen; he is an otherwise reasonable man who 
will criticize his wife if she is not as efficient as he thinks his mother was. In effect, she marries his 
fantasy of his mother as perpetuated in his Parent, which is similar to her fantasy of her mother or 
grandmother. Having found a suitable partner, her Child can now settle into the harassed role 
necessary to maintain her psychic balance, and which she will not readily give up. The more 
occupational responsibility the husband has, the easier it is for both of them to find Adult reasons to 
preserve the unhealthy aspects of their relationship. 
When the position becomes untenable, often because of official school intervention on behalf of the 
unhappy offspring, the psychiatrist is called in to make it a three-handed game. Either the husband 
wants him to do an overhaul job in the wife, or the wife wants him as an ally against the husband. 
The ensuing proceedings depend on the skill and alertness of die psychiatrist. Usually the first 
phase, the alleviation of the wife's depression, will proceed smoothly. The second phase, in which 
she will give up playing "Harried" in favor of playing "Psychiatry," is the decisive one. It tends to 
arouse increasing opposition from both spouses. Sometimes this is well concealed and then 
explodes suddenly, though not unexpectedly. If this stage is weathered, then the real work of game 
analysis can proceed. 
It is necessary to recognize that the real culprit is the wife's Parent, her mother or grandmother; the 
husband is to some extent only a lay figure chosen to play his role in die game. The therapist has to 
fight not only this Parent and the husband, who has a heavy investment in playing his end, but also 
the social environment, which encourages the wife's compliance. The week after the article appears 
about the many roles a housewife has to play, there is a How'nt I Doing? in the Sunday paper: a 
ten-item test to determine "How Good A Hostess (Wife) (Modier) (Housekeeper) (Budgeteer) Are 
You?" For the housewife who plays "Harried," that is the equivalent of the little leaflet that comes 
with children's games, stating the rules. It may help to speed up die evolution of "Harried," which, 
if not checked, may end in a game of "State Hospital" ("The last thing I want is to be sent to a 
hospital"). 
One practical difficulty with such couples is that die husband tends to avoid personal involvement 
with the treatment beyond playing "Look How Hard I'm Trying," because he is usually more 
disturbed than he cares to admit. Instead he may send indirect messages to the therapist, through 
temper outbursts which he knows will be reported by the wife. Hence "Harried" easily progresses 
to a third-degree life-death-divorce struggle. The psychiatrist is almost alone on the side of life, 
assisted only by the harried Adult of the patient which is locked in combat that may prove mortal 
against all three aspects of the husband, allied with her own inner Parent and Child. It is a dramatic 
battle, with odds of two against five, which tries the skill of the most game-free and professional 
therapist. If he quails, he can take the easy way out and offer his patient on the altar of the divorce 
court, which is equivalent to saying "I surrender—Let's you and him fight."