Games People Play

2 I'M ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU
Thesis
. This game may be played in any professional situation and is not confined to 
psychotherapists and welfare workers. However, it is found most commonly and in its most florid 
form among social workers with a certain type of training. The analysis of this game was clarified 
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for the writer under curious circumstances. All the players at a poker game had folded except two, a 
research psychologist and a businessman. The businessman, who had a high hand, bet; the 
psychologist, who had an unbeatable one, raised. The businessman looked puzzled, whereupon the 
psychologist remarked facetiously: "Don't be upset, I'm only trying to help you!" The businessman 
hesitated, and finally put in his chips. The psychologist showed the winning band, whereupon the 
other threw down his cards in disgust. The others present then felt free to laugh at the psychologist's 
joke, and the loser remarked ruefully: "You sure were helpful!" The psychologist cast a knowing 
glance at the writer, implying that the joke had really been made at the expense of the psychiatric 
profession. It was at that moment that the structure of this game became clear. 
The worker or therapist, of whatever profession, gives some advice to a client or patient. The 
patient returns and reports that the suggestion did not have the desired effect. The worker shrugs off 
this failure with a feeling of resignation, and tries again. If be is more watchful, he may detect at 
this point a twinge of frustration, but he will try again anyway. Usually he feels little need to 
question his own motives, because he knows that many of his similarly trained colleagues do the 
same thing, and that he is following the "correct" procedure and will receive full support from his 
supervisors. 
If he runs up against a hard player, such as a hostile obsessional, he will find it more and more 
difficult to avoid feeling inadequate. Then he is in trouble, and the situation will slowly deteriorate. 
In the worst case, he may come up against an angry paranoid who will rush in one day in a rage, 
crying: "Look what you made me do!" Then his frustration will come strongly to the fore in the 
spoken or unspoken thought: "But I was only trying to help you!" His bewilderment at the 
ingratitude may cause him considerable suffering, indicating the complex motives underlying his 
own behavior. This bewilderment is the payoff. 
Legitimate helpers should not be confused with people who play "I'm Only Trying to Help You" 
(ITHY). "I think we can do something about it." "I know what to do," "I was assigned to help you" 
or "My fee for helping you will be. . . ." are different from "I'm only trying to help you." The first 
four, in good faith, represent Adult offers to put professional qualifications at the disposal of the 
distressed patient or client; ITHY has an ulterior motive which is more important than professional 
skill in determining the outcome. This motive is based on the position that people are ungrateful 
and disappointing. The prospect of success is alarming to the Parent of the professional and is an 
invitation to sabotage, because success would threaten the position. The ITHY player needs to be 
reassured that help will not be accepted no matter how strenuously it is offered. The client responds 
with "Look How Hard I'm Trying" or "There's Nothing You Can Do to Help Me." More flexible 
players can compromise: it is all right for people to accept help providing it takes diem a long time 
to do so. Hence therapists tend to feel apologetic for a quick result, since they know that some of 
their colleagues at staff meetings will be critical. At the opposite pole from hard ITHY players, 
such as are found among social workers, are good lawyers who help their clients without personal 
involvement or sentimentality. Here craftsmanship takes the place of covert strenuousness. 
Some schools of social work seem to be primarily academies for the training of professional ITHY 
players, and it is not easy for their graduates to desist from playing it. An example which may help 
to illustrate some of the foregoing points will be found in the description of the complementary 
game "Indigence." 
ITHY and its variants are easy to find in everyday life. It is played by family friends and relatives 
(e.g., "I Can Get It For You Wholesale"), and by adults who do community work with children. It is 
a favorite among parents, and the complementary game played by the offspring is usually "Look 
What You Made Me Do." Socially it may be a variant of "Schlemiel" in which the damage is done 
while being helpful rather than impulsively; here the client is represented by a victim who may be 
playing "Why Does This Always Happen To Me?" or one of its variants.