Games People Play

CHAPTER FIFTEEN 
A Paradigm 
CONSIDER the following exchange between a patient (P) and a therapist (T): 
P. "I have a new project—being on time." 
T. "I'll try to cooperate." 
P. "I don't care about you. I'm doing it for myself. . , . Guess what grade I got on my history test!" 
T. "B+." 
P. "How did you know?" 
T. "Because you're afraid to get an A." 
P. "Yes, I had an A, and I went over my paper and crossed out three correct answers and put in 
three wrong ones." 
T. "I like this conversation. It's Jerk-free." 
P. "You know, last night I was thinking how much progress I've made. I figured I was only 17% 
Jerk now." 
T. "Well, so far this morning, it's zero, so you're entitled to 34% discount on the next round." 
P. "It all began six months ago, that time I was looking at my coffeepot, and for the first time I 
really saw it. And you know how it is now, how I hear the birds sing, and I look at people and 
they're really there as people, and best of all, I'm really there. And I'm not only there, but right now 
I'm here. The other day I was standing in the art gallery looking at a picture, and a man came up 
and said, 'Gauguin is very nice, isn't he?' So I said: ‘I like you too’. So we went out and had a drink 
and he's a very nice guy." 
This is presented as a Jerk-free, game-free conversation between two autonomous Adults, with die 
following annotations. 
"I have a new project—being on time." This announcement was made after the fact. The patient 
was nearly always late. This time she wasn't. If punctuality had been a resolution, an act of "will 
power," an imposition of the Parent on the Child, made only to be broken, it would have been 
announced before the fact: "This is the last time I'll be late." That would have been an attempt to set 
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up a game. Her announcement was not. It was an Adult decision, a project, not a resolution. The 
patient continued to be punctual. 
"I'll try to cooperate." This was not a "supportive" statement, nor the first move in a new game of 
"I'm Only Trying to Help You." The patient's hour came after the therapist's coffee break. Since she 
was habitually late, he had fallen into the habit of taking his time and getting back late himself. 
When she made her declaration, he knew she meant it, and made his. The transaction was an Adult 
contract which both of them kept, and not a Child teasing a Parental figure who because of his 
position felt forced to be a "good daddy" and say he would cooperate. 
"I don't care about you." This emphasizes that her punctuality is a decision, and not a resolution to 
be exploited as part of a pseudo-compliant game. 
"Guess what grade I got." This is a pastime which both were aware of and felt free to indulge in. 
There was no need for him to demonstrate how alert he was by telling her it was a pastime, 
something she already knew, and there was no need for her to refrain from playing it just because it 
was called a pastime. 
"B+." The therapist reckoned that in her case this was the only possible grade, and there was no 
reason not to say so. False modesty or a fear of being wrong might have led him to pretend that he 
did not know. 
"How did you know?" This was an Adult question, not a game of "Gee You're Wonderful," and it 
deserved a pertinent answer. 
"Yes, I had an A." This was the real test. The patient did not sulk with rationalizations or pleas, but 
faced her Child squarely. 
"I like this conversation." This and the following semi-facetious remarks were expressions of 
mutual Adult respect, with perhaps a little Parent-Child pastime, which again was optional with 
both of them, and of which they were both aware. 
"For the first time I really saw it." She is now entitled to her own kind of awareness and is no 
longer obliged to see coffeepots and people the way her parents told her to. "Right now I'm here." 
She no longer lives in the future or the past, but can discuss them briefly if it serves a useful 
purpose. 
"I said: 'I like you too.'" She is not obliged-to waste time playing "Art Gallery" with the newcomer, 
although she could if she chose to. 
The therapist, on his part, does not feel obliged to play "Psychiatry." There were several 
opportunities to bring up questions of defense, transference and symbolic interpretation, but he was 
able to let these go by without feeling any anxiety. It did seem worthwhile, however, to ascertain 
for future reference which answers she crossed out on her examination. During the rest of the hour, 
unfortunately, the 17% of Jerk left in the patient and the 18% left in the therapist showed from time 
to time. In summary, the proceedings given constitute an activity enlightened with some pastime.