Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

to pivot to terms to avoid the haggle.

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My student’s boss signaled to him that $3.6 million
worked and he agreed to the price.
I’ve teased several of the techniques my student used to
effectively negotiate a great deal for his firm, from the use
of labels and calibrated questions to the probing of
constraints to unearth a beautiful Black Swan. It also
bears noting that my student did tons of work beforehand
and had prepared labels and questions so that he was ready
to jump on the Black Swan when the broker offered it.
Once he knew that the seller was trying to get money out
of this building to pay off mortgages on the
underperforming ones, he knew that timing was important.
Of course, there’s always room for improvement.
Afterward my student told me he wished he hadn’t
lowballed the offer so quickly and instead used the
opportunity to discuss the other properties. He might have
found more investment opportunities within the seller’s
portfolio.
In addition, he could have potentially built more
empathy and teased out more unknown unknowns with
labels or calibrated questions like “What markets are you
finding difficult right now?” Maybe even gotten face time
with the seller directly.
Still, well done!
OVERCOMING FEAR AND LEARNING TO GET
WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE
People generally fear conflict, so they avoid useful

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arguments out of fear that the tone will escalate into
personal attacks they cannot handle. People in close
relationships often avoid making their own interests known
and instead compromise across the board to avoid being
perceived as greedy or self-interested. They fold, they grow
bitter, and they grow apart. We’ve all heard of marriages
that ended in divorce and the couple never fought.
Families are just an extreme version of all parts of
humanity, from government to business. Except for a few
naturals, everyone hates negotiation at first. Your hands
sweat, your fight-or-flight kicks in (with a strong emphasis
o n flight), and your thoughts trip drunkenly over
themselves.
The natural first impulse for most of us is to chicken out,
throw in the towel, run. The mere idea of tossing out an
extreme anchor is traumatic. That’s why wimp-win deals are
the norm in the kitchen and in the boardroom.
But stop and think about that. Are we really afraid of the
guy across the table? I can promise you that, with very few
exceptions, he’s not going to reach across and slug you.
No, our sweaty palms are just an expression of
physiological fear, a few trigger-happy neurons firing
because of something more base: our innate human desire to
get along with other members of the tribe. It’s not the guy
across the table who scares us: it’s conflict itself.
If this book accomplishes only one thing, I hope it gets
you over that fear of conflict and encourages you to
navigate it with empathy. If you’re going to be great at

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anything—a great negotiator, a great manager, a great
husband, a great wife—you’re going to have to do that.
You’re going to have to ignore that little genie who’s telling
you to give up, to just get along—as well as that other genie
who’s telling you to lash out and yell.
You’re going to have to embrace regular, thoughtful
conflict as the basis of effective negotiation—and of life.
Please remember that our emphasis throughout the book is
that the adversary is the situation and that the person that
you appear to be in conflict with is actually your partner.
More than a little research has shown that genuine,
honest conflict between people over their goals actually
helps
energize
the
problem-solving
process
in
a
collaborative way. Skilled negotiators have a talent for using
conflict to keep the negotiation going without stumbling into
a personal battle.
Remember, pushing hard for what you believe is not
selfish. It is not bullying. It is not just helping you. Your
amygdala, the part of the brain that processes fear, will try to
convince you to give up, to flee, because the other guy is
right, or you’re being cruel.
But if you are an honest, decent person looking for a
reasonable outcome, you can ignore the amygdala.
With the style of negotiation taught in the book—an
information-obsessed, empathic search for the best possible
deal—you are trying to uncover value, period. Not to
strong-arm or to humiliate.
When you ask calibrated questions, yes, you are leading

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your counterpart to your goals. But you are also leading
them to examine and articulate what they want and why and
how they can achieve it. You are demanding creativity of
them, and therefore pushing them toward a collaborative
solution.
When I bought my red 4Runner, no doubt I disappointed
the salesman by giving him a smaller payday than he would
have liked. But I helped him reach his quota, and no doubt I
paid more for the truck than the car lot had paid Toyota. If
all I’d wanted was to “win,” to humiliate, I would have
stolen the thing.
And so I’m going to leave you with one request:
Whether it’s in the office or around the family dinner table,
don’t avoid honest, clear conflict. It will get you the best car
price, the higher salary, and the largest donation. It will also
save your marriage, your friendship, and your family.
One can only be an exceptional negotiator, and a great
person, by both listening and speaking clearly and
empathetically; by treating counterparts—and oneself—with
dignity and respect; and most of all by being honest about
what one wants and what one can—and cannot—do. Every
negotiation, every conversation, every moment of life, is a
series of small conflicts that, managed well, can rise to
creative beauty.
Embrace them.