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The power of a good partner
Walking away from something
unhealthy shows great bravery,
even if you stumble a little on
your way out of the door.
Sometimes in relationships, one partner will punish the other due to their own
insecurities. They make the other feel like they have flaws, just to cover up
their own limitations and to achieve a sense of superiority or authority. These
relationships are often very unhealthy and toxic. They can make the one
being punished question themselves and feel low or empty inside.
For example, if you think your nose is too big and then you notice your
partner being friendly with someone who you perceive as being attractive,
you may notice their nose is smaller and draw a comparison. As you focus on
the idea that their nose is better than yours, you may feel a rush of negative
emotions such as jealousy, doubt and hatred. As a result, your self-worth,
confidence, and even energy, decreases.
Your mind may also suggest hideous ideas to you, such as your partner
finding them attractive because their nose is 
perfect
. You may then take your
pain out on your partner, accusing them of flirting, even if it was completely
innocent. You’ll project your insecurity onto them and imply that they’re
malicious, they lack love and they’re disrespectful. This is emotional
manipulation, where instead of taking responsibility for your own emotions,
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you take them out on someone else.
You’ll ensure your partner also feels your pain. You’ll question their integrity
and morals, trying to convince them that they’re sinister. You’ll point out
everything that’s wrong with them. This only leads to conflict, where even
more insecurities may be exposed, damaging words exchanged and
potentially devastating actions produced. But you need to understand where
your actions are coming from. Is it your insecurities, or because your partner
has been acting in toxic ways? Ultimately, this ends in pain.
Alternatively, your partner may have been genuinely flirting. In some
relationships, this may be acceptable. In most, however, it won’t be.
Although you can’t demand respect from someone, you can extract yourself
from situations in which you’re not respected.
That said, there are plenty of healthy relationships that are full of insecurities.
But they must contain mutual respect and support. Partners should be honest
about their insecurities, open to working with each other to improve them and
respectful enough not to hurt the other or use their insecurities against them.
All relationships require work. They require endless communication and
tremendous understanding, and they can be very challenging. But while
giving up isn’t always the answer, sometimes you have to walk away,
especially when you lose your sense of self.
Sometimes you have to break away
from the toxicity so you can heal.
Unhealthy relationships drain all the goodness out of us. We give everything
to someone who just won’t match our efforts and willingness to try. We
empty our love bank to make them feel wealthier, while we become broke.
We give ourselves up to someone who doesn’t respect us enough to treat us
well in return.
You don’t have to be an expert to realize that relationships should be
empowering. They shouldn’t consistently make you feel limited or lacking.
You should never be feeling empty in a relationship, especially if it’s to make
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someone else feel full.
Sometimes, we love the idea of what someone could be, or what someone is
momentarily; we love their potential. In fact, if you reflect on your past with
a serious ex-partner, there was probably a point where you thought that they
were the best thing ever. Later, you may have found out that they weren’t
quite what you expected them to be.
None of us is perfect, so no relationship is perfect. But it’s easy to fall into
the trap of hanging onto people because you see their light and their potential
to be a great partner; however, deep down you know that you’re clinging to
false hope. If you’re with someone who isn’t willing to get better, you may
be wasting your time.
You can’t change those who
aren’t ready to change.
You also have to ensure that they’re not pretending they want to get better.
This tactic could be used to build false hope, so that you stick around for
longer. Of course, this is a selfish act and it’s characteristic of someone who’s
unwilling to reach their full potential.
I completely understand that it might be painful to leave a toxic person who
you love; getting out of a toxic relationship is much easier said than done.
That’s why many stay put and entertain the negativity for as long as they can.
But you’re worth that temporary pain.
Sometimes, people will settle for inadequate relationships because they
believe they won’t find someone better, or that the task of finding someone
new and rebuilding something from scratch is too long and difficult. Their
intuition will tell them that they deserve better but they won’t courageously
act on it.
Here’s an example that might help you figure out whether you’re in a toxic
relationship. Someone once asked for my opinion on their relationship. They
were having problems with their partner and didn’t know if they should walk
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away. I don’t like telling people what they should do in their relationship
because I’m not in it and can’t see the full picture. Someone can describe it to
me and I can make assumptions, but the choice is ultimately theirs.
So I flipped it around and asked this person what they’d advise their daughter
to do if she were in the same position. This gave them pause for thought. I
already knew what they thought they should be doing – but they needed me
either to justify it or talk them out of it. The decision scared them, so they
were avoiding it. Yet when I asked this question, they realized they already
knew the answer.
As a parent, you have natural protective instincts over your child. Even if you
don’t have a child, you can probably imagine it. You’d care about them so
much that you wouldn’t want them to get hurt and miss out on any joy. This
person’s gut already had the answer, even before they asked me for my
advice. I always tell people to trust their instinct, because that’s their soul
whispering advice to them.
You’ll know it’s your gut when you have a
sense of almost
knowing 
you’ve arrived at
the answer without a reasoning process.
When you think a certain thought, you’ll get a strange little feeling in your
belly, and that’s what I believe is your intuition. It’s one of the best guidance
systems around!
Even your most dominant thoughts aren’t necessarily your intuition speaking,
because they could be rooted in fear or desire. Intuition is a calm feeling and
gives you a reassuring sense of detachment. Sometimes, it will feel like
something inside you is urging you to take note. It’s almost physical.
Just remember, a relationship should add value to your life and bring you
good vibes the majority of the time. Relationships that are toxic will deflate
your psychological health and even your physical wellbeing.
Don’t be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. If it’s time to say
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goodbye, be brave and do it. It might hurt now, but it will be the source of
something greater in the future.
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