Published in the United Kingdom by

Check your own behaviour
We want everyone else to stop being toxic, but we rarely review our own
actions. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself, so
there’s no excuse not to break free from your own toxic ways. So it’s
important that you can identify any toxic tendencies you might have and that
are hurting others – or yourself.
When we’re annoyed or upset, we assume that everyone around us is fine.
We excuse ourselves for acting in unkind ways by blaming our mood, not
realizing that other people might be going through a tough time themselves.
This can bring other people down, which means that not only are 
you
feeling
hurt, but now someone else is, too.
Even those who believe they’re leading by example often forget to review
their own actions, as demonstrated by an experience I’ve had myself. If
you’ve seen my Instagram page, you’ll know I post quotes and advice. What
you might not know is that quite often my words are lifted by other social
media pages and reposted as someone else’s inspiring words. As flattering as
it is to see my words and thoughts being shared by people, it’s not satisfying
seeing my watermark being removed and no credit given to me.
68

---

Always review your behaviours and
make an effort to change any that are
toxic – towards yourself or others.
This isn’t only how you grow, it’s also
an act of self-love. You’re showing
yourself that you deserve better than
the behaviours limiting your progress.
What really strikes me is that there are a number of pages promoting
positivity to huge audiences that have still refused to correct their mistake.
When I reached out, the people behind these pages told me they didn’t want
to take posts down and repost them correctly because they had great
engagement on them and they’d lose followers. Some of these people had
profited from my words but still didn’t feel the need to acknowledge my
messages. One said that everyone else was doing it, so I should get over it.
Among the most interesting responses was: ‘Let it go – your name doesn’t
need to be on it. If you’re a positive person, then you don’t need to contact
me ever again.’ This has led me to realize that even those who are doing the
most preaching, and appearing to promote positivity and love, aren’t always
following their own advice.
69

---

In truth, I did need to get over it once they refused to do anything about it. I
had to focus on working selflessly. I’ve managed to overcome my
disappointment and remind myself that the most important thing for me is
that a positive message is getting out there. This is how I find my peace.
However, this response exposed something that’s very common in the world:
shifting blame. We’re quick to point out what’s wrong with someone else so
that we can avoid taking responsibility for our own actions.
We could say that it’s not our responsibility if others are offended by our
actions. After all, it’s only their perception and ideas around our actions that
are actually hurting them.
If I feel that I’m right, yet someone else
feels that I’m wrong, who is right?
But even when you think someone’s overreacting, you must try to understand
the root cause of why they feel the way they do. Usually it’s because you’ve
violated one of their personal values. And if someone says they’re hurt by
your actions, you must believe they’re hurt; you can’t decide for them
whether or not they felt hurt in the first place.
I’ve learned this with my partner. Sometimes I take my jokes too far and
cause offence. If she then bravely admits her vulnerability to me, the worst
thing I can do is make her feel bad for opening up to me by being defensive
and shifting blame onto her. You can’t tell someone that their feelings are
invalid. You have to try to seek understanding first. Identify why they feel the
way they do and then see what you can do to make it better.
This is important for all relationships. We’re all different and we all deserve
respect for our feelings. Acknowledging and understanding someone’s pain
not only allows you to learn about them, but also helps you to grow. You’re
not expected to be flawless. We all make mistakes. But you must be willing
to learn, grow and remain respectful.
70

---