swollen glands in my neck. I put this down to all the frustration and anger
towards life building up in my throat.
I had the epiphany that nothing is worth this pain, anxiety,
depression, and
consistent loneliness. How on earth did I expect any woman to be with me, if
I did not even know who 'me' was?
I had hit rock bottom.
I had two options,
to end it all, as nothing was worth continuing this agony, or
decided to try one more thing...stop giving a fuck and be the guy who has
nothing to lose.
This was the beginning of my life, I was re-born.
As I was so terrified of what people thought of me and if they liked me or
not, this was the first issue I had to deal with. How? By making an agreement
with myself.
If I felt angry...BE ANGRY! Don't hide it. I gave myself permission to be a
grumpy asshole.
If I felt sad...BE SAD! Cry, sob, sulk, externalize how I felt.
I had bottled up SO much shit for years that when I began to do this...the old
Chris everybody knew, disappeared. I was no longer that forcefully smiley
guy. I stopped attempting to force my naturally introverted self to be
extroverted. I stopped being accommodating to everyone,
and I chose to be
entirely selfish, and firstly look after myself.
Now, I am in no way telling you to go and do all this. Because I am pretty
sure you are not as damaged as I was.
Through the process of allowing myself feel and express, something
happened. I lost friends I had for many years. Why? Because I no
longer
filled my role within the group dynamic. I moved on.
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