George Bernard Shaw a penn State Electronic Classics Series Publication

contempt]. Cry-baby!
HECTOR 
[gravely, coming to him]. My friend, the Shotover
sisters have two strange powers over men. They can make
them love; and they can make them cry. Thank your stars
that you are not married to one of them.

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113
GB Shaw
LADY UTTERWORD 
[haughtily]. And pray, Hector—
HECTOR 
[suddenly catching her round the shoulders: swing-
ing her right round him and away from Randall: and gripping
her throat with the other hand]. Ariadne, if you attempt to
start on me, I’ll choke you: do you hear? The cat-and-mouse
game with the other sex is a good game; but I can play your
head off at it. [He throws her, not at all gently, into the big
chair, and proceeds, less fiercely but firmly]. It is true that Na-
poleon said that woman is the occupation of the idle man.
But he added that she is the relaxation of the warrior. Well, I
am the warrior. So take care.
LADY UTTERWORD 
[not in the least put out, and rather
pleased by his violence]. My dear Hector, I have only done
what you asked me to do.
HECTOR
. How do you make that out, pray?
LADY UTTERWORD
. You called me in to manage Randall,
didn’t you? You said you couldn’t manage him yourself.
HECTOR
. Well, what if I did? I did not ask you to drive the
man mad.
LADY UTTERWORD
. He isn’t mad. That’s the way to
manage him. If you were a mother, you’d understand.
HECTOR
. Mother! What are you up to now?
LADY UTTERWORD
. It’s quite simple. When the chil-
dren got nerves and were naughty, I smacked them just
enough to give them a good cry and a healthy nervous shock.
They went to sleep and were quite good afterwards. Well, I
can’t smack Randall: he is too big; so when he gets nerves
and is naughty, I just rag him till he cries. He will be all right
now. Look: he is half asleep already [which is quite true].
RANDALL 
[waking up indignantly]. I’m not. You are most
cruel, Ariadne. [Sentimentally]. But I suppose I must forgive
you, as usual [he checks himself in the act of yawning].
LADY UTTERWORD 
[to Hector]. Is the explanation satis-
factory, dread warrior?
HECTOR
. Some day I shall kill you, if you go too far. I
thought you were a fool.
LADY UTTERWORD 
[laughing]. Everybody does, at first.
But I am not such a fool as I look. [She rises complacently].
Now, Randall, go to bed. You will be a good boy in the morn-
ing.
RANDALL 
[only very faintly rebellious]. I’ll go to bed when
I like. It isn’t ten yet.

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114
Heartbreak House
LADY UTTERWORD
. It is long past ten. See that he goes
to bed at once, Hector. [She goes into the garden].
HECTOR
. Is there any slavery on earth viler than this sla-
very of men to women?
RANDALL 
[rising resolutely]. I’ll not speak to her tomor-
row. I’ll not speak to her for another week. I’ll give her such
a lesson. I’ll go straight to bed without bidding her good-
night. [He makes for the door leading to the hall].
HECTOR
. You are under a spell, man. Old Shotover sold
himself to the devil in Zanzibar. The devil gave him a black
witch for a wife; and these two demon daughters are their
mystical progeny. I am tied to Hesione’s apron-string; but
I’m her husband; and if I did go stark staring mad about her,
at least we became man and wife. But why should you let
yourself be dragged about and beaten by Ariadne as a toy
donkey is dragged about and beaten by a child? What do
you get by it? Are you her lover?
RANDALL
. You must not misunderstand me. In a higher
sense—in a Platonic sense—
HECTOR
. Psha! Platonic sense! She makes you her servant;
and when pay-day comes round, she bilks you: that is what
you mean.
RANDALL 
[feebly]. Well, if I don’t mind, I don’t see what
business it is of yours. Besides, I tell you I am going to pun-
ish her. You shall see: I know how to deal with women. I’m
really very sleepy. Say good-night to Mrs Hushabye for me,
will you, like a good chap. Good-night. [He hurries out].
HECTOR
. Poor wretch! Oh women! women! women! [He