George Bernard Shaw a penn State Electronic Classics Series Publication

ing to the end of the sofa]. Do not deceive yourself: they do
use it. We kill the better half of ourselves every day to propi-
tiate them. The knowledge that these people are there to
render all our aspirations barren prevents us having the aspi-
rations. And when we are tempted to seek their destruction
they bring forth demons to delude us, disguised as pretty
daughters, and singers and poets and the like, for whose sake
we spare them.
HECTOR 
[sitting up and leaning towards him]. May not
Hesione be such a demon, brought forth by you lest I should
slay you?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. That is possible. She has used you
up, and left you nothing but dreams, as some women do.

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72
Heartbreak House
HECTOR
. Vampire women, demon women.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Men think the world well lost for
them, and lose it accordingly. Who are the men that do
things? The husbands of the shrew and of the drunkard, the
men with the thorn in the flesh. [Walking distractedly away
towards the pantry]. I must think these things out. [Turning
suddenly]. But I go on with the dynamite none the less. I will
discover a ray mightier than any X-ray: a mind ray that will
explode the ammunition in the belt of my adversary before
he can point his gun at me. And I must hurry. I am old: I
have no time to waste in talk [he is about to go into the pantry,
and Hector is making for the hall, when Hesione comes back].
MRS HUSHABYE
. Daddiest, you and Hector must come
and help me to entertain all these people. What on earth
were you shouting about?
HECTOR 
[stopping in the act of turning the door handle]. He
is madder than usual.
MRS HUSHABYE
. We all are.
HECTOR
. I must change [he resumes his door opening].
MRS HUSHABYE
. Stop, stop. Come back, both of you.
Come back. [They return, reluctantly]. Money is running short.
HECTOR
. Money! Where are my April dividends?
MRS HUSHABYE
. Where is the snow that fell last year?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Where is all the money you had
for that patent lifeboat I invented?
MRS HUSHABYE
. Five hundred pounds; and I have made
it last since Easter!
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Since Easter! Barely four months!
Monstrous extravagance! I could live for seven years on 500
pounds.
MRS HUSHABYE
. Not keeping open house as we do here,
daddiest.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Only 500 pounds for that life-
boat! I got twelve thousand for the invention before that.
MRS HUSHABYE
. Yes, dear; but that was for the ship with
the magnetic keel that sucked up submarines. Living at the
rate we do, you cannot afford life-saving inventions. Can’t you
think of something that will murder half Europe at one bang?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. No. I am ageing fast. My mind
does not dwell on slaughter as it did when I was a boy. Why

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73
GB Shaw
doesn’t your husband invent something? He does nothing
but tell lies to women.
HECTOR
. Well, that is a form of invention, is it not? How-
ever, you are right: I ought to support my wife.
MRS HUSHABYE
. Indeed you shall do nothing of the sort:
I should never see you from breakfast to dinner. I want my
husband.
HECTOR 
[bitterly]. I might as well be your lapdog.
MRS HUSHABYE
. Do you want to be my breadwinner,
like the other poor husbands?
HECTOR
. No, by thunder! What a damned creature a hus-
band is anyhow!
MRS HUSHABYE 
[to the captain]. What about that har-
poon cannon?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. No use. It kills whales, not men.
MRS HUSHABYE
. Why not? You fire the harpoon out of a
cannon. It sticks in the enemy’s general; you wind him in;
and there you are.
HECTOR
. You are your father’s daughter, Hesione.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. There is something in it. Not to
wind in generals: they are not dangerous. But one could fire
a grapnel and wind in a machine gun or even a tank. I will
think it out.
MRS HUSHABYE 
[squeezing the captain’s arm affectionately].
Saved! You are a darling, daddiest. Now we must go back to
these dreadful people and entertain them.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. They have had no dinner. Don’t
forget that.
HECTOR
. Neither have I. And it is dark: it must be all
hours.
MRS HUSHABYE
. Oh, Guinness will produce some sort
of dinner for them. The servants always take jolly good care
that there is food in the house.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER 
[raising a strange wail in the dark-