Suicide Notes

partly see his face. His eyes were closed, his mouth was sort of open, and
he was breathing hard. Then he sort of grimaced, and I knew it was time to
get out of there, while he was still riding high and probably wouldn’t notice
if a train crashed through the wall of the bathroom.
I waited too long. I was about to turn and get out when he opened his
eyes. He looked right at me. At first he just blinked a couple of times, like
he thought maybe he was seeing things and needed to clear his head. Then

---

he realized I was real, and he gave me this half smile and nodded, like we
were just passing in the hallway. “Hey,” he said.
I nodded back. “Hey,” I said. Hey, like that. What an idiot. Rankin
didn’t say anything else, so I turned and left.
I don’t know what I expected him to do. I don’t know what I would do
if someone caught me spanking the monkey like that. Probably I’d drop
dead. I know I wouldn’t just say, “Hey.”
And now I can’t get the image of Rankin out of my head. That’s the
worst part. I keep picturing his hand going up and down and hearing that
groaning. I feel like such a queer. I have to stop thinking about it.
Why did I have to go in there? Why did I have to see that? I can’t tell
you how much I did not need to see that tonight. Or any night.
Maybe I shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. It’s not like Rankin
seems to care, so why should I? I should just try to forget it ever happened.
That’s what I’ll do. I’ll go to bed and forget about it.

---

Day 24
You know how Hindus believe that when you die you come back as
something or someone else, and that if you screw up the life you have now
you come back as something worse until you learn your lesson? Well, if
that’s true, then I must have really pissed off God—or whoever—in my last
life. Otherwise what happened today would never have happened. It’s even
worse than what happened last night.
See, I’d done an okay job of forgetting what I’d seen Rankin doing in
the shower. Even at breakfast, while he choked down his oatmeal, I could
sort of pretend I’d just dreamed it. Then we had group. And that’s when Cat
Poop announced that we were going to do some more pairing off. As soon
as he said it, I felt my stomach knot up. I closed my eyes and waited to hear
him say I could pair with Sadie or even Juliet.
But of course you know what happened. And it gets even worse, if that’s
possible. The exercise we did involved picking questions out of a box.
There were all of these strips of paper in there, and each one had a question
on it. Things like “What are you most proud of in your life?” and “If you
could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?”
We were supposed to pick a question and talk about it with our partner. I
really, really hoped I got something easy, like “What is the meaning of life
in three words or less?” What I actually got was “What’s the most
embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?”
I know. I swear to God, that was the question. Sometimes I think there’s
someone up there just sitting around thinking of ways to make me look like
a complete moron. Seriously, I bet there’s an angel—or, more likely, a
demon—assigned just to me. And every day it gets up and asks itself what
it can do to ruin my life. Well, today it got an A plus.
So Rankin and I pair off. I’m still not really looking at him, just sort of
around him. And of course all I can picture is that big hand of his going up
and down, and then I’m staring at his crotch remembering what’s there, and
eventually the only place I can look is at his face, and when I do I’m
surprised to see that he doesn’t seem the least bit embarrassed.

---

Instead, he’s looking at the paper in his hand. He’s looking really hard,
like he can’t quite figure out what it says, like it’s written in Japanese or
something. He looks and looks and looks, and finally he looks at me and
says, “What do you think about when you jerk off?”
I know you think I’m making this up, but I swear I’m not. That’s exactly
what he said. I sat there staring at Rankin, sure I’d heard him wrong. Then
this big grin spreads across his face, and he starts to laugh.
“Got you,” he said.
I wanted to hit him, I really did. I couldn’t believe he did that. He
thought it was hysterical, though. He was grinning his big stupid jock grin
from ear to ear and rocking back and forth with laughter.
“Would you shut up!” I said.
Rankin wiped his eyes and quieted down. “I’m sorry,” he said. “But you
should see the look on your face.”
“What does it really say?” I asked him.
“Why?” he said. “Don’t you want to know the answer to the question I
read?”
“Not really,” I told him.
“All right,” he said. He looked at the paper again and read the right
question. “What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?”
He sighed. “I guess that would be telling my dad that I don’t want to
play football anymore.”
“I thought you liked to play football.”
“I do. I just don’t want to play on the team anymore.”
“Why not?” I asked him.
Rankin shook his head. “I just don’t,” he said. “What’s your question
say?”
“Just a minute,” I told him. “You can’t say you ‘just don’t want to.’
We’re supposed to talk about this crap. I want to know why you don’t want
to be Mr. Big Football Player.”
Rankin put his head down. For a second I thought he was going to
tackle me, but he just sat there. When he looked up, I could see he was
trying really hard not to cry.
“Do you know what it’s like to have everyone expect you to be the best
at something?” he said.

---

I shook my head. “That’s not a problem for me,” I told him. “I’m not
good at anything. Nothing important, anyway.”
“I am,” Rankin said. “I’m good at throwing a ball and catching a ball
and knocking people out of the way when they get between me and the ball.
That’s what I’m good at.”
“So what’s the problem with that? Everybody loves jocks, right?” I
admit I said it kind of sarcastically, because he sounded like such a
bonehead and I was still mad at him about what he’d done before.
“Yeah,” Rankin said, snorting. “Everybody loves you. When you win.
Then you’re the hero. But when you lose, you’re just the stupid meathead
who couldn’t make the play.”
I was having a hard time feeling sorry for the guy. I know that sounds
harsh. But I wasn’t ready to let him off the hook for being a jock in the first
place. Everybody knows those guys get most of the breaks in school, and it
seems to me that if all they have to worry about is playing a dumb game,
then they have it pretty easy.
“You know what my father said when I told him I wanted to quit?”
Rankin asked me.
“I wasn’t there,” I said. “You’ll have to fill me in.”
“He said if I wasn’t going to play football, I wasn’t his son.”
“He did not,” I said. “Why would he say something so stupid?”
“Because it’s how he feels,” said Rankin. “That’s all he sees me as, a
football player. He was a football player. His dad was a football player. His
dad was a football player. That’s what the guys in my family are.”
“But you’re his kid,” I said, still not believing him.
“And as far as he’s concerned, his kid plays football.” He laughed.
“Why do you think I’m here?”
“Because you get down sometimes,” I said, remembering what he’d said
the first time in group.
“Yeah,” said Rankin. “But that’s not the real reason I’m here.”
“Then why’d you say that?” I asked him.
“Come on. Nobody says why they’re really here,” Rankin answered.
“Not at first. Nobody wants to be the biggest freak. Didn’t you?”
“Didn’t I what?”
“Lie,” he said.

---

“It’s kind of hard to when you’ve got these,” I said, showing him my
wrists.
“But that doesn’t say why,” he reminded me.
“So we both lied,” I said. “Why are you really here?”
“Because my father wants to know what’s wrong with me.”
“He sent you to the psych ward because you don’t want to play football?
You’ve got to be kidding.”
“I’m not,” said Rankin. “That’s why I’m here.”
“That’s messed up,” I told him. “Supremely messed up.”
Rankin nodded. “Yeah, it is. So what’s your question?”
I told him. “And I think you know the answer to that one already,” I
added, knowing I was probably turning a hundred different shades of red.
“Your wrists,” he said.
I looked at him. Did he really not get it? No, not my wrists, I wanted to
say. It was walking in on you pulling your pork.
Rankin either didn’t think that was embarrassing, or he was trying to
pretend it never happened. But I don’t think that was it. I think he honestly
didn’t think it was a big deal.
I would. Seriously, I’d rather have someone walk in on me cutting my
wrists than have them see me doing that. Between you and me, I think
Rankin’s priorities are a little screwed up.

---

Day 25
I told Sadie. About seeing Rankin in the shower. I wasn’t going to, but I
couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I thought maybe if I told someone, I’d
get it out of my head and into someone else’s. You know, like that movie