Suicide Notes

could have happened. And the more I thought about it, the more I wished
something had happened. I tried not to picture it, but when I tried focusing
on something else, I kept seeing Rankin again. I definitely didn’t want to go
there, so I switched back to Sadie.
That’s when I got up. I told myself I was just going to go to the
bathroom. And I did go. I went in there and peed. I thought about taking a
shower to relax, but shower = Rankin, and that was not helping. So I started
to go back to my room.
But when I walked into the hallway, I ran into Carl. I haven’t mentioned
him before because he wasn’t important before, but now he’s really
important. Carl walks through the halls every half hour to make sure no one
is doing anything they shouldn’t be doing. He’s not an attendant, exactly,
because he doesn’t help the nurses with anything medical. He’s more of a
night watchman.
Actually, there are two watchmen, and they alternate nights. The other
one is a guy named Frank. Frank’s not very friendly. He just does his
rounds and almost never says anything. Honestly, I don’t think he’d care if
he found one of us dead on the floor. He’d just keep going.
But Carl is different. Carl’s a nice guy. He’s got to be at least sixty. He
reminds me of my grand-father. Actually, he is a grandfather. I know
because he’s shown me pictures of his grandkids. You always know when
Carl’s around because his keys jangle when he walks, like he’s kind of
bouncing and the keys knock against his leg. You’d think it would be totally
distracting, but it’s actually kind of reassuring to hear him walking past my
room.
“Hey, sport,” Carl said when he saw me. He calls everybody sport. It
must be a grandpa thing, because mine does it, too. “Can’t sleep?” he asked.

---

“Uh, just had to, you know, pee,” I told Carl.
He jangled his keys. “I know how that is,” he said. “The older you get,
the more you go. I must go four times a night. I’ve got a bladder like a
leaky roof.”
“Right,” I said. I mean, what do you say when someone tells you about
their bladder? Gee, maybe you should wear a diaper?
“Well, you get back to bed,” said Carl. “I’m heading over to see the
other folks for a while.”
He meant he was heading over to the adult ward. Carl always talks
about the patients as if they’re his next-door neighbors. I guess he doesn’t
want to make us feel bad about being here; unlike Frank, who I once heard
whistling the theme music from the Looney Tunes cartoon show while he
was making his rounds.
“See you, sport,” Carl said as he walked away.
“See you,” I said back.
I started to go to my room, but something made me turn around. I
looked down the hall to where the girls’ rooms are. Carl had just walked
through, and I knew he wouldn’t be back for at least half an hour. As long
as Moonie stayed in the nurses’ station, I would have thirty minutes before
anyone checked on me.
I moved before I could stop myself. I was at Sadie’s door in about ten
seconds, and inside right after that. Then I went to her bed. She was asleep
on her back. Her hands were on her stomach, and her hair was all over the
pillow. Her mouth was open, but she wasn’t snoring or anything. She was
just asleep.
I leaned down and kissed her, just like in the movies. When I pulled my
head back, her eyes were open and she was looking at me with this dreamy
expression.
“Hey,” she said, all sleepy.
“Hey,” I said. “Mind if I share your sleeping bag?”
She didn’t say anything, but she scooted over and lifted the blanket and
sheet. I got in next to her.
“Carl will be back in half an hour,” I said.
Honestly, until right then I hadn’t known I was going to do what I did
next. I reached out and I put my hand on Sadie’s breast. She was wearing a
T-shirt, but I felt everything.

---

I wasn’t sure what to do next. Then Sadie put her hand on mine, like she
had when we were sitting on the couch. “It’s okay,” she said, still sounding
half asleep. “You can pretend I’m Allie.”
She took my hand and slid it under her T-shirt. Her nipple poked into
my palm, and the skin was warm. I squeezed. Sadie made this funny little
noise, like a sigh and a groan all at once. Then she took my hand and
moved it down to her panties. I felt the elastic waistband and stopped there.
My heart was beating so hard I was sure she could feel it.
“It’s okay,” she said again.
I slipped my fingers underneath the elastic and felt hair. I don’t know
why, but I was surprised that it was as rough as mine is. I thought girls
would have really soft hair down there, like rabbit fur or something. It felt
strange. Also, I’m used to feeling, well, something down there, and it
wasn’t there.
Sadie made a soft grunting sound and kissed my neck. I could feel
myself getting hard, but I didn’t know what to do next. Was I just supposed
to stick it in? Was there something else I was supposed to do first? In the
movies they always end the scene before you see that part. And it’s not like
someone gives you a manual or anything. I just figured that when the time
came, I’d know what to do. But there I was, and I had no clue.
Sadie put her hand into my boxers. I pulled away from her and rolled
onto my side.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I hear Carl,” I said. “His keys.”
“I didn’t hear anything,” Sadie said. “It’s probably just the wind.” She
started to touch me again, but I wasn’t hard anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should go.”
I didn’t wait for her to say anything else. I just left. Of course, Carl
wasn’t in the hall. I knew he wasn’t. I ran back to my room as fast as I
could and got into my own bed.

---

Day 27
I knew I couldn’t avoid Sadie forever. I mean, it’s not like there’s, oh,