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look at the interrelationships between categories, how one leads to another and may even
incorporate the other. In this sense this whole section could also
be put into the category of
towards containment-freedom but then the movement of the participant may not be so apparent.
Defining categories is complicated, but looking from different perspectives does seem to
demonstrate movement. It seems possible that the way the participants were asked to write did
encourage a condensing of thoughts and feelings which perhaps makes movement more obvious.
4.3.2. Overcontained-overfree
Just as I experienced anxiety and confusion following trauma and expressed these feelings in my
writing which displayed opposition, so expressions in the participants‟ journals were found that
suggested opposition. These expressions were often related to way participants felt that others
(internal and external others) had expectations of them as if like Beauty they had to follow
others‟ expectations rather than having their own. Sometimes there
were derogatory thoughts
about themselves which seemed to come from the past and from how others had viewed them.
The participants felt that these internal voices did not really belong to them yet felt that they had
to be listened to, but they also wanted to have their own thoughts and feelings. The words in this
category are very varied but tend to suggest repetitive movement of some kind which reflects the
felt confusion:
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Table ii. To show words that suggest anxiety and confusion
Stomach churning
Palpitations
Uncertainty
Confusion
Frustrated
Second best
Shaken foundations
Rocked
Anxiety
What if I got it wrong
Falling and flailing
Over and over and over
Panic
Sick
Agitated
Coming apart
Shattering
Jumbled
Rushing
Rambling
Surge
Impatient
Overwhelmed
Stupid
Tap
that will not turn off
Nervous
Where to settle
Pin me down
Mixed up
Selfish
Felt used
Others push me back
Stirs within
A few of the words like confusion, anxiety and frustration appear in more than one journal.
While other phrases may only appear in one journal like „falling and flailing‟, meanings may be
seen as similar. For example „stomach churning‟ may be seen as similar to „over and over and
over‟ in that both describe a repetitive movement. Also phrases like „where to settle‟ and „pin me
down‟ both seem to describe an inability to keep still in the internal world. It is as if their internal
splits keep them moving around.
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Extract 3. Journal entry to show the category overcontained-overfree
1. Pouring out, emptying, of
2.
emotions, jumbled and confused.
3. cloudiness of feelings like
4. a muddy glass of water,
5. shaken and mixed up. Gradually
6. a pulling together a way
7. of clearing the mist, a
8. sense of putting each part
9.
of the confusion
10. in its place.
11. A cooler calmness coming
12. over me.
After a three week break from sessions
the client returns and seems to be full of
confusion -
overcontained-overfree -
and cannot see clearly - imaged in the
muddy glass of water (line 4). She seems
shaken up by the break as if she has not
been able to contain her feelings over
that time. But perhaps what she fights is
her anger with the counsellor as she
empties (line 1) herself over the
counsellor. Perhaps
the real confusion is
that she fights the containment of her
own feelings and projects them out over
the counsellor. When she has done this
she seems to see more clearly (line7) as
if she has been blinded by anger. The
„cooler calmness‟ is perhaps the
counsellor whose presence enables the
client to begin to move towards the
containment of her own feelings.
The participant appeared aware of emptying her emotions out in the session. Perhaps she was not
aware of her anger towards the counsellor. This seems to be confirmed by the image of the
„muddy glass of water‟ (the break from counselling) that was not fit to drink.
The words the
participant uses both hide and display her internal world. Her anger is hidden in that it is never
actually mentioned and yet it becomes visible through interaction with the text. The process that
seems to be demonstrated here is that the client‟s fight to both free and contain her own feelings
happens consciously and unconsciously. Consciously she is aware of pouring out feelings and of
the „good‟ counsellor who enables her to do this. Unconsciously she throws her anger at the
„bad‟ counsellor who takes breaks, but who perhaps enables the transformation into the „cooler
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calmness‟ that comes over the client. It feels like seeing Bion‟s maternal reverie (1962; 1970) in
process, as if the client‟s anger is returned transformed in a more acceptable form. Or perhaps the
Beast is unconsciously acknowledged by the „calmer‟ Beauty.
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