364
Week 15.
Line 1.
Choices in marriage.
Line 2.
Anger at who I became / have been
Line 3.
was + am expected to be.
Line 4.
Resistance of change me + others.
Line 5.
Desire to do things differently.
Line 6.
Desire to live, to be +
Line 7.
Not „have to‟ or „should‟. Have
Line 8.
always been doing + now want to
Line 9.
experience.
Line 10.
Am I alone?
There is almost an explosion of feelings in this entry. She seems to set out to do what she told
herself to do next in the question of the previous week about how to change. Firstly she realizes
that she has choices in her marriage (line 1) but she quickly follows this with anger (line 2)
directed at herself because of who she has become. But there is also anger at who she has been
(line 2) and who she has been expected to be (line 3) so perhaps
there is some anger towards
others too. She appears to feel that she is resistant to change in herself and others (line 4) yet has
a desire to do things differently (line 5) as if there is a part of herself who has not yet lived. This
desire seems to be about living and being (line 6) as if she has not
really lived before and not
been her own self before. She realizes that she has lived with internalised expectations that have
kept her always doing (lines 7,8) as opposed perhaps to being and experiencing. She ends with a
question, „am I alone?‟ which at first glance feels as if it is out of place or does make sense with
the rest of the entry. However perhaps she is realizing that there are many different parts to her,
or many selves which she has not encountered before. This may add to her feelings of isolation
in that it makes her feel different to others. She may also be starting
the process of separation
from others as opposed to being merged with them and this may also make her feel alone, with
no connection to others. This is also written before a two week break from counselling which is
only made clear in the next entry so perhaps the sense of isolation that is felt is also due to the
forthcoming absence of the counsellor from the client‟s life.