Games People Play

Advantages
. The general advantages of a game consist in its stabilizing (homeostatic) functions. 
Biological homeo-stasis is promoted by the stroking, and psychological stability is reinforced by 
the confirmation of position. As has already been noted, stroking may take various forms, so that 
the biological advantage of a game may be stated in tactile terms. Thus the husband's role in IWFY 
is reminiscent of a backhanded slap (quite different in effect from a palmar slap, which is a direct 
humiliation), and the wife's response is something like a petulant kick in the shins. Hence the 
biological gain from IWFY is derived from the belligerence-petulance exchanges: a distressing but 
apparently effective way to maintain the health of nervous tissues. 
Confirmation of the wife's position—"All men are tyrants" —is the existential advantage. This 
position is a reaction to the need to surrender that is inherent in the phobias, a demonstration of the 
coherent structure which underlies all games. The expanded statement would be: "If I went out 
alone in a crowd, I would be overcome by the temptation to surrender; at home I don't surrender: he 
forces me, which proves that all men are tyrants." Hence this game is commonly played by women 
who suffer from feelings of unreality, which signifies their difficulty in keeping the Adult in charge 
in situations of strong temptation. The detailed elucidation of these mechanisms belongs to 
psychoanalysis rather than game analysis. In game analysis the end product is the chief concern. 
Internal psychological advantage of a game is its direct effect on the psychic economy (libido). In 
IWFY the socially acceptable surrender to the husband's authority keeps the woman from 
experiencing neurotic fears. At the same time it satisfies masochistic needs, if they exist, using 
masochism not in the sense of self-abnegation but with its classical meaning of sexual excitement 
in situations of deprivation, humiliation or pain. That is, it excites her to be deprived and dominated. 
External psychological advantage is the avoidance of the feared situation by playing the game. This 
is especially obvious in IWFY, where it is the outstanding motivation: by complying with the 
husband's strictures, the wife avoids the public situations which she fears. 
Internal social advantage is designed by the name of the game as it is played in the individual's 
intimate circle. By her compliance, the wife gains the privilege of saying "If it weren't for you." 
This helps to structure the time she must spend with her husband; in the case of Mrs. White, this 
need for structure was especially strong because of the lack of other common interests, especially 
before the arrival of their offspring and after the children were grown. In between, the game was 
played less intensively and less frequently, because the children performed their usual function of 
structuring time for their parents, and also provided an even more widely accepted version of 
IWFY, the busy-housewife variation. The fact that young mothers in America often really are very 
busy does not change the analysis of this variation. Game analysis only attempts to answer this 
question without prejudice: given that a young woman is busy, how does she go about exploiting 
her busyness in order to get some compensation for it? 
External social advantage is designated by the use made of the situation in outside social contacts. 
In the case of the game "If It Weren't For You," which is what the wife says to her husband, there is 
a transformation into the pastime "If It Weren't For Him" when she meets with her friends over 
morning coffee. Again, the influence of games in the selection of social companions is shown. The 
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new neighbor who is invited for morning coffee is being invited to play "If It Weren't For Him." If 
she plays, well and good, she will soon be a bosom friend of the old-timers, other things being 
equal. If she refuses to play and insists on taking a charitable view of her husband, she will not last 
long. Her situation will be the same as if she kept refusing to drink at cocktail parties—in most 
circles, she would gradually be dropped from the guest lists. 
This completes the analysis of the formal features of IWFY. In order to clarify the procedure 
further, the analysis of "Why Don't You—Yes But," which is the most common game played at 
social gatherings, committee meetings and psychotherapy groups the world over, should be 
consulted (page 115).